Bad Techno In July

2012-02-10T22:41:00.001-07:00

There is something quite amiss here. And there.

2012-02-06T19:19:00.001-07:00

An entire album of pictures involving me, and I barely remember any of it. Disturbingly little, in fact.

I want it back.

2012-02-05T19:47:00.001-07:00

My tarot warned me I risk becoming a shallow asshole. So noted.

2012-02-04T10:36:00.001-07:00

In the span of three weeks, we have stopped major legislation and forced a major charity launderer to not discriminate. Write that down.

2012-02-04T10:35:00.001-07:00

Let's not lie to ourselves. I'm not lining things up for Prague, I'm lining things up for the next incredibly insane decision in my life. I'm OK with that.

2012-01-29T12:11:00.001-07:00

I'm scared I'm going to lose my dreams.

2012-01-20T20:21:00.001-07:00

January 18th will result in more crack down, not less. It is beginning. I hope we've prepared for the war.

2012-01-17T20:53:00.001-07:00

I can't block out my blog tomorrow. Dammit.

2012-01-01T02:50:00.000-07:00

My New Years Resolution is to have a solid plan for moving out of the country in 2013 by the end of 2012. This is to keep me honest.

2011-12-30T21:53:00.001-07:00

I need less here, and more there.

2011-12-23T22:57:00.001-07:00

Why the fuck are you talking to me? Am I suddenly "Cool" because I'm going to Prague?!

2011-12-18T21:16:00.003-07:00

Vaclav Havel died today, as did Kim Jong Il. One man led a bloodless revolution, the other was the definition of oppression. Balance in all things.

2011-12-18T00:52:00.001-07:00

I've just realized I'm slowly becoming OK with not being everything to everyone.

2011-12-17T17:26:00.001-07:00

In an odd way, I'm glad my good friend never told me all those years ago about her roommate's crush on me. I'm a much better person now. I rather he crush on now, than then.

2011-12-17T17:25:00.001-07:00

By simply being, I am perceived as a threat. I'm okay with that, on multiple fronts.

2011-12-14T20:32:00.001-07:00

I belief Jeff Dunham is secretly an asshole.

2011-12-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

No, you can't come to my house for Christmas.

2011-12-05T19:38:00.001-07:00

We're slowly merging into one culture. What a huge loss.

2011-11-29T18:15:00.001-07:00

I've decided to ignore Tim Tebow. Go Ravens.

2011-11-29T17:56:00.002-07:00

I need to make some decisions. My misery results from my uncertainty, well, most of it. I've stopped living again. But it's been difficult. There are painful reminders in nearly all my social circles. I'm only safe with the SLS crew. So how do I fix it?

First, I should really, really clean up Facebook. At first I'll wonder, but eventually my fascination will pass. It did with DV. I need to unplug, unwind and start again.

So, if I set my path here, in Denver, what next? I know why I won't. Because Adam, who truly is my anchor here, will eventually enter into a relationship and I will be put aside to some extent. That is normal and natural. But right now he's all I have in Denver, when it comes down to it. It's unfortunate we don't blend romantically. Or maybe that's a damn good thing.

There is something I've forgotten, something vital. A realization I don't want to lose.

Oh, I remember. I'm terrified of commitment. That's why I don't mesh with anyone I meet via a dating site. I know there's an unspoken expectation, a hope. I rebel against that constraint. I'm not sure how to proceed now that I have that information.

I need more interesting things to do in order to become a more interesting person.

2011-11-23T22:49:00.001-07:00

Ten is interesting. It has no middle number. Five is safer. And quite boring.

2011-11-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

As I get older, I get more brave. I believe that makes me a fool by your wisdom.

2011-11-21T16:51:00.001-07:00

I am starting to understand either depression or withdrawal.

2011-11-17T21:28:00.002-07:00

I don't really mind traffic; I whine about it because it's fashionable.

If Tebow really believes in his god the way he seems to, he is infinitely more adorable and naive.

Scratch that, he's an ass.

2011-11-15T19:29:00.002-07:00

Before I forget;

This tattoo began in March. So much has happened in my life since then. I'm sad because the tattoo is done. The journey is over, the music had ended. Please, don't let me forget.

2011-11-06T20:04:00.002-07:00

Why, why, why can't I remember that it is I who chooses how I see the world? I believe it is for this reason. On the drive home, I remembered I have a copy of the Wisdom of Forgiveness by HHT Dalai Lama. I need to read it. I need to practice it.

2011-10-26T20:38:00.001-06:00

The troops returning by the end of this year, that will be the catalyst.

2011-10-26T20:17:00.001-06:00

The Christians in the US have only in the last twenty years or so been questioned and challenged. It will take them some time to get used to the very thing they did to countless others over the centuries.

Take a Seat Over There

2011-10-17T18:41:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure where to start in this rant of mine.

First, please take into account, I am fully aware that personality and appearance are being disregarded in my argument. There are reasons for that.

In many a cliche romantic comedy, there has been the busy career woman, too busy to find love. Or too controlling. Or too wound up. For any myriad of reasons, she is single.

I call bullshit.

I am one of the growing number of successful career women. Women who have entered into white collar jobs and have found some measure of success. It was always my plan to, in some form, make the money that I make now and do the kinds of things I do now. I travel at will, buy at will and spend money on those I care about at will. I'm not wealthy by any means, but I am comfortable in my living. And I had to work very, very hard to get to where I am. I worked long hours and did what I could to advance in my career. I sacrificed. Others sacrificed.

I am very proud of what I've accomplished. I don't have to think twice when I say my father would be proud of me. My mother is proud of me, my family is proud of me, my friends are proud of me. My cats couldn't give less of a damn.

There is a cost to this vanity, this success. One they don't tell you about when you're recruited into the field of engineering as a woman. One only those horrid, horrid movies warn us about it.

Smart, successful women: plan on spending more nights alone than you care to.

2011-10-15T15:10:00.001-06:00

There is power in choosing to be alone, when others would hope your decision be otherwise.

Sweeping Generalizations Night

2011-10-13T19:24:00.003-06:00

Men complain that women are crazy. However, I feel no sympathy. I have decided that men like to stick their dick in crazy. By doing so, they are perpetuating the sub-species that is "crazy bitches."

Don't reward crazy. Idiots.

2011-10-12T23:19:00.002-06:00

I finally understand why, when Richard Geer points out he's never made her feel like a whore, Julia Robert's character replies "You just did."

2011-10-12T22:50:00.001-06:00

I'm nothing but a bloody damn after thought to these fools.

2011-10-10T19:25:00.002-06:00

I have become Reki.

I would have shown you the world. All I asked for was honesty. The only time you gave me that was when you told me you loved me.

2011-10-09T19:01:00.002-06:00

A conversation:

Me: But I was serious about my point. I was raised to believe the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses were cults

My southern, black friend: weren't 'people' saying the same thing about kennedy being controlled by the pope too?…haha…no offense ashley but sometimes white people trip me out

2011-10-07T23:39:00.002-06:00

Life turns around quickly like a dancer, feather light.

2011-10-06T19:10:00.002-06:00

Last night I was me, or as me as I get. I was well received.

Confessional

2011-10-03T19:35:00.003-06:00

Acknowledging the truth is painful. Realizing how I've been used by various people, I shouldn't be surprised, as I've cheaply sold myself. I used to say I was simply getting what I karmicly deserved, but I'm done now and wish to move on, move forward.

The majority of the time I am a strong woman. I need no one to hold my hand while I experience the world. But I am mortal; I cannot always be strong. Whenever a crack has formed in my defenses, those who witness such a thing seem confused, a change they are loathe to see. With the cape removed, they see I am just another human. They seem disappointed. I feel like an exposed superhero and, as a result, pull the cape all the more closely.

As soon as I show myself to be human, they scatter.

Like any superhero, I have a few close friends that do not react this way. Well, one, really. But then my protective nature kicks in and I shield him as best I can. My trials and tribulations are no worse than those around the world share. Less than most, I'd wager and win. But I find myself full to bursting and no way to pour it all out. I crave just an hour of release. An hour where I can be human and hurt and mourn and rant and rave. Just an hour. I feel the heavy pressure on my chest from the time I awaken to the time I sleep.

I truly don't understand anymore. I'm clever, smart, successful and financially secure. Woe is me, eh?

My ego is getting the best of me. Now that I've some idea what I'm worth, that's what I expect to get.

I'm a strong woman that needs a stronger man.

For a split second tonight, I saw how a good chunk of the rest of the world views us.

2011-10-01T23:55:00.003-06:00

I cannot dance this dance of make believe nearly as long as I was once able.

2011-09-26T20:31:00.002-06:00

Oh gods. I have something in common with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson. That is the most depressing thing about it.

2011-09-21T20:53:00.003-06:00

Tonight the world is very dark. In a few minutes, a man in Georgia will be executed. A man who very well may be innocent. A man that sat and fought on death row for twenty years. Twenty years of walls and bars and one hour of sunshine and this man still fought to live. Too few care.

I am not appalled to be an American, I am appalled to be a human being.

We have a very, very long way to go as a race. Many more years, I fear, than the brilliant Gene Rodenberry imagined. I feel blessed in that I believe myself to be living in what is only the very beginning of whatever horrible end awaits us as a species. I only hope there is a light at the bottom of the abyss, and that we, as one species, learn from our mistakes.

2011-09-17T00:13:00.001-06:00

For the first time in my life, I found myself beautiful. And it will only improve, like fine, red wine.

2011-09-12T21:53:00.002-06:00

I didn't forget to write. I simply misplaced my words.

Fuck the Raiders. How cliche of me, to blame someone other ourselves.

2011-09-08T19:19:00.001-06:00

I was born and raised country. Where did that go?

2011-09-07T20:33:00.002-06:00

Stephen Colbert makes a point that we all know how life, and everything, will end. We end, the cat ends, mortgage ends, national debt ends. Researchers have shown that knowing the ending to a story, before you read it in its entirety increases how enjoyable the story is. We know the end to our story, so let's just get about the business of enjoying the bits that lead up to it.

اشلي

I remember everything.

2011-09-06T21:02:00.002-06:00

When I am thin, I will tell him that I love him, because I believe he deserves something beautiful.

2011-09-06T20:57:00.000-06:00

My white-trash tendencies are an incredibly fun vice.

2011-09-06T20:56:00.001-06:00

All of my Asia-based friends are online right now. It's beautiful.

2011-08-30T20:53:00.002-06:00

I seem to have temporarily forgotten that it is only I that can create my own happiness.

2011-08-28T15:52:00.002-06:00

I'm going to do it this time, gods be damned.

I want to be a runner. I will be a runner.

2011-08-20T22:08:00.002-06:00

I really like lightening. Mostly because it scares the shit out of me.

I realized today just how spoiled I am when I began whining to myself that I simply had too many choices.

2011-08-15T18:49:00.001-06:00

Don't try to be like me, little brother. Nothing is more alone than being strong.

2011-08-10T19:38:00.002-06:00

Right now, there is a man in Sturgis with poor eyesight and under the influence of alcohol, trying to read a text message. This endlessly amuses me.

Tonight, I pretended I was lost. In life and on the trail.

2011-08-07T00:12:00.004-06:00

I watched a large, summer moon set behind the mountains tonight. For those few moments, nothing and everything mattered.

I need to spend more time downtown. I spend so much time in the mountains, I forget I live in a city.

My mind quite often runs away with me. It is my heart that must bring me back to reality.

Every now and then, my world seems irrepressibly small.

I can't help but miss Prague. Techno and Trance make me miss all things foreign. I miss those now overseas in places I dream of. I miss the constant thrill of being in another city and utterly lost in my own amazement. If I put my mind to it, I could move there by the end of the year. But here I continue to linger and I'm not entirely sure why. I only know that I cannot yet go.

"He is not the one." My friend told me that a long while ago and I had great reason to believe her. The thing is, I knew he was not the one. The one was long lost to me. But why does that have to mean I couldn't be happy? And if I was, does that mean I beat the prediction, or made it true?

Tomorrow I will go on a long motorcycle ride and chase the sun across the mountains. I must do this, or the very things people respect in me will diminish and pass away.

I cannot leave well enough alone because it is not yet good enough.

4:25

2011-08-04T21:34:00.003-06:00

Every now and then, we all have something profound to say.

I buy myself flowers

2011-08-03T20:55:00.002-06:00

Yes, I buy myself flowers at least once a week. Those moments spent doing so are some of the liberating moments of my life.

My tattoo artist said tonight that I looked incredibly happy.

Tomorrow night, I get to give my eulogy for a dear friend. To explain the nature of our friendship, I will tell of how I last I spent time with him... Going beer for beer at Denver 17's beer tasting event. He was in his late 70s.

I'm really sick of the past. And all this worrying about the future. Whatever happened to pausing long enough to taste and breathe and love right now? The past and the future will still be there when you are done.

If I had a say, they'd be 8 Bit Brewing. I'm going to register it anyhow.

British accents make people appear more attractive than they truly are.

Smoking

2011-08-02T22:38:00.003-06:00

There was something here. I deleted it. Now it's gone forever.

I love Spotify

2011-07-31T22:33:00.003-06:00

I found Nujabes tonight on Spotify. I also found Common and suddenly realized I couldn't remember the last time I listened to rap or hip-hop. Not the radio crap, the real stuff. I realized it had been quite a while. So now I'm surfing awesome Spotifty and remembering why I love these groups and this music. So rare to find these days and it makes me sad. Have we run out of things to say? Are we no longer to say what we feel and what we believe? When did it become so unfashionable to have a soul, to be human? God knows I'm guilty of it.

Once upon a time I had no problem at all expressing what was on my mind. But then I pretended that wasn't who I was and suddenly that became who I was. I was incredibly sad when I realized that. I have become the person I pretended so long to be. The amazing pain at that moment of realization; Ashe had died.

I was never a strong person in my past life. I relied on those closest to me and they supported me through horrible times. They carried me until I could stand again. We are the sum of those we have known... At least I try to be, but it's difficult. I've known so many amazing, wonderful people in my life. It's quite a lot to live up to.

But now I surprise myself. Where once I loathed being alone, I find myself craving occasional moments of solitude. In my weakest moments, I don't reach out. Instead I reach within and remember what and where and who I come from.

But I want to regain my writing. I want to regain my imagination and my words and my ability to paint with them what I cannot with paint and brush. Even if I'm the only one to see these paintings, I will know they are mine and I will always have the memory of the moment that drove me to lift my brush.

Maybe Ashe isn't dead after all. I've seen her a lot more, recently. The girl who skipped and laughed and loved life. The Ashe that didn't wait for life, she instead let it catch up to her. Maybe Ashe didn't die; instead she grew.

I like it.

Nowhere

2010-08-24T12:47:00.004-06:00

Still in Denver. Dreams die quickly when there is nothing to nourish them.

Faking It

2010-07-08T18:14:00.003-06:00

I'm not nearly as brave as some think. But I keep hoping if I pretend I am, one day I will be.

Memory

2010-06-18T21:32:00.000-06:00

Cemetery at the church of St. Peter and St. Paul.

Back to Reality

2010-05-30T17:14:00.004-06:00

So, back in the states. Pictures posted on Facebook. Laundry done and I've been forgiven for my absence by the cat.

Now what?

Jet lag has me a bit disoriented, but outside of that I feel completely disconnected. Part of me is glad to be back, as familiarity is comfortable. Part of me is afraid at the decisions I must begin to make. Decisions about my career, my personal life. My courage is failing, but I know to remain as I am now will result only in unhappiness. I've been here nearly four years now and I feel the itch to move on. But to where?

Some would have me come to Seattle, but that's only because they believe Nathan would come with me.

Others would have me come to Boston, friends I haven't seen in too long.

But no one has really asked me what I want. Probably for the best, as I'm not entirely sure. I envy those that have lived abroad. I felt alive in Prague. Ultimately, it's a huge step and I'm not even sure how to start. I toy with the idea of emailing Rusty to get his thoughts, but after so many years, it would seem too random, too strange. I miss being able to chat in the evenings with Bahar, as for some reason he's always made me feel braver than I am. Hard to coordinate time to chat with an eleven hour time difference and busy schedules.

Regardless, time to think and think hard.

Dancing Until the Song Ends

2010-05-23T02:01:00.002-06:00

Another morning in Prague. Another morning of waking up an hour early just to think, to wander, to plot and scheme. I think I've finally managed to get it through my head that this is simply fantasy, not real life. Even the temporary peace accord struck before the trip will fray and fail eventually. Regardless, this song is beautiful and though I know to the second when it will end, I dance none the less.

Jaime and I chatted over coffee the other day about American world view and comfort in conformity. I told her of friends that had challenged me to see more than the large country I live in. Friends that challenged me to think. I spoke to her of Ken, Bahar and Leo. Of Sam, Joe and Matt. People who challenged me, in some form, to ask why not. I am glad they are part of my own equation.

I have a couple of months to decide what I'm going to do. I have commitments into July and will honor them. After that, who knows? Ty would have me move to Boston, but if there is one thing I have learned from this grand experience is it's best to not to do something for a friend that they would not do, in turn, for you. Jaime and Drew would have me move to Seattle, but that's more for Nathan than myself. I'm sure, should we split, I'll just become a faint echo and that's okay. It's how life goes and, as a friend stated, time continues to flow whether we we are conscious of it or not.

I'm fully aware that I need to define what it is I want to do in life; what is an acceptable compromise and what isn't. What things are important to me? I don't have goals, as I prefer to see where life will take me, but perhaps that isn't the best attitude. Here, in Prague, I see myself as an abstract piece, without true shape or form. I've relied on others or experiences to give myself definition. Perhaps that isn't healthy, I haven't decided yet. I just know I'm not living up to any kind of potential. I'm tired of that.

One more week in this old, elegant city. A few more days until my affair with Praha ends and we part ways. But there are many more lovers to be taken in this world. But they say you always remember your first.

Now That I'm Here

2010-05-17T02:13:00.003-06:00

The thought 'Now that I'm here, how am I supposed to go home' keeps going through my head. I know now that I will never be content to simply live my life out in the United States. This isn't born out of the thought that Europe is better, etc. It's born from the fact that this world is too big, geographically and too small travel-wise to not see more of it. This, coupled with the fact that I feel more at home here than I ever have in Denver makes me not want to leave. If someone could just pack up my things, along with Kitty, and ship them over, that would be great.

The temptation is hard to resist. I have the finances and the skills to make the move. I love speaking Czech with the Vietnamese folks that run the small market down the street. The idea of going to the butcher and the baker as opposed to one giant store is amazing.

I don't want to leave. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to.

Going Global

2010-05-13T16:43:00.002-06:00

It's true. In a few hours I hop a flight out to Europe, with my eventual destination being Prague. All of this, thanks to you. Several you's, actually. The one's that let me dream.

Maneki Neko

2010-02-03T15:34:00.003-07:00

My own bit of luck from Estes Park. I plan on taking him with me to Prague, along with the space gnome.

I finally purchased something relatively expensive for myself. Alas, it is not the Canon Digital Rebel XTi that I'm currently lusting over. But it's not terribly far behind. I've finally caved and bought myself the Motorola Droid. I have named it Hal2-D2 in honor of my two favorite droids. I will openly admit, it has already consumed my soul.

Now that I again have a functioning "camera," I can resume my earlier Project of the Mundane™. George, Ducky and Flop approve.

Always

2010-01-14T09:33:00.001-07:00

覚えなさい。

기억하십시오.

记住。

Вспомните.

I Will Not Log In

2010-01-05T14:48:00.002-07:00

First it was Ben Folds, then it was the latest post of an old acquaintance, but this little quote keeps popping into my head:

"Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."

The quote is attributed to Anne Herbert. Her blog is now home to several of these types of quips. It makes for light reading.

http://peaceandloveandnoticingthedetails.blogspot.com/

Is Nujabes Singular or Plural?

2009-10-26T15:29:00.000-06:00

In talking with a friend today, it dawned on me that as I'm getting older, the more I rebel against having responsibilities to other people. I don't want to tell you I'll be there at 7 because I may change my mind. It's nothing personal, it's just that I may change my mind. It's strange looking backwards, now, at how things have changed. Once upon a time I had to have my weekends scheduled with social activities, had to have something to do. Now I thrive in boredom. I've rediscovered small things I once enjoyed but had forsaken in lieu of responsibilities to this person or that group.

Whether it's selfishness, immaturity or a blending of the two, I've opted to embrace it. Maybe sometimes what we need is to be a little selfish.

Please Do Not Hardcode Procs in Application Code

2009-10-22T09:15:00.002-06:00

Okay, I know I'm not what you consider one of the "real" developers. I work mostly on SQL and BizTalk. But ya know, every now and then I have to make some changes to some of our tables. This should not require me do anything other than sp_searchcode. Having to manually search your code for hardcoded calls to tables in the database should NOT be necessary.

Especially when you, the author, make a point to publicly shame others for the same behavior. Now that that is cleared up...

Levothroid is a hell of a drug. I don't remember the last time I was actually hungry. Probably some time last week. I still eat every now and then since that's what I'm supposed to do but man, it's a strange feeling to not be hungry. I ate yesterday morning. I didn't eat the rest of the day. This morning I woke up thinking I'd finally be hungry. Not at all. It's wonderful. Of course, my sleeping patterns somewhat blow now, but I'm not tired even with the lost sleep. This sounds more and more like cocaine than a legitimate drug. Interesting.

Textbook Hippie Man

2009-10-09T11:11:00.001-06:00

You see, I've got your old ID and you're all dressed up like the Cure.

It always happens the same way. Development leads to tunes, tunes eventually shuffle themselves to Ben Folds, Ben Folds typically leads to looking to see if Rusty's blog is still in my browser history. Finally, it circles back around to my own, un-updated blog. I really never recovered from the loss of BlogItch. It wasn't even that great of a site in all honesty. Still, with memory as delicate as it is, I still feel something of a loss.

On the related note of Ben Folds, having now met Zac and Sara, I no longer approve of that song. Zac and Sara made seppuku with the bread knife at Old Chicago seem like an excellent idea.

I have managed to accumulate one-third of the time needed to visit Prague next year. My goal is something in the window of May 1 through May 19. I suppose I should actually inform my hosts. I'm hoping we'll be able to fit time in to visit Kiev. If the guys are going to Rome, I think it's only fair Jaime and I get our own weekend as well. It will be my first time in Europe and I'm terribly excited. And, if I'm lucky, I'll also be moving to Seattle, but that's another hope for another rainy day.

I've decide that, for today, The Ascent of Stan is a great song. No one is as unique as they think they are. But quite likely you are as alone as you think you are.